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The Art of Living and Dying.

April 5, 2019

 


 

A Journey in Four Stages 

 

 

 

 

Death is not our friend, nor our enemy, but our foreshadower 
 
or

 

Her Death Wish

 

 

 

(Parts i and ii) 

 

 

 

 

 

i)                   Prologue – the girl

 

 

 

She stands at a juncture. The most critical she has ever faced. And yet it doesn’t feel that dramatic. The decision to end her own life was slow in coming. She had battled a myriad of illnesses throughout her childhood, yet all stemming from the one issue. She had never experienced/possessed/felt, what others had. 


Despite the complications over the years, the moment is simple. It is pure. She has never felt so clear. This, coming after further discord – the years of teenage chaos. It was overwhelming - the emotions of an attractive young girl’s world, with its convoluted web of relationships, dramas and tears. 


Yet, in sincere reflection, she knew she couldn’t have been more wrong. It was frivolous. Juvenile. And now that she has arrived at this point, all her suffering seemed just as pointless. It did not need to continue. There is another way. It makes the most sense to her.

 

“I don’t mind so much. It’s my choice. It’s impossible to be happy all the time. And I’m going to a better place.”

 

All that remained, was a question of how.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ii)                   Us

 

 

 

 

The Beginning of Dissatisfaction

 

Birth

 

Shattered from Comfort

 

Ripped from the only authentic Heaven

 

With all needs catered for.

 

From a warm, luminescent Red

 

To abrasive White

 

Biting open atmosphere (Exposed, Cold?)

 

An aching hunger

 

The first sensations of Fear.

 

Strange, encompassing Sensations

 

Shapes undefined and unsparing Smells. 
 

 

Sustenance

 

And an understanding of blurred Faces

 

Touch, comfort of skin, relief in the Familiar, frustrating restrictions of the Body,

 

Confusion of Perspectives, the urge to shit and the satisfaction of it.

 

Kick, roll, simple joys of play, sounds, the sweetness of melody

 

Delight in known faces, luxury in routine.

 

To crawl and want more.

 

 

To Grow, Sleep, Dream.

 

 

A stumble, a victory.

 

A fall, a fail, a Nightmare. Terror and tears.

 

A desire, a need, a perpetual feed.

 

A want and a step.

 

To Walk, (finally), upon grass.

 

To copy, imitate and shape.

 

To verbalise those inner feelings.

 

 

 

To kid around with Kids.

 

Who become your Friends

 

And Enemies

 

While the Wind tickles your skin

 

The Sun makes you squint

 

The Schoolyard where all things are possible

 

And the restrictions never more keenly felt

 

The classroom to comprehend and confuse

 

Why? Not fair. Me. Mine. No.

 

 

 

Practice, Lament. A wish for more

 

Change, the ever constant.

 

Flesh altering, uncertainty, insecurity.

 

A divergence in bodies

 

Inevitable comparisons

 

A metamorphosis, pimples, pubes, pus and previews

 

Blood and semen and seismic shifts

 

The world awaiting and repelling

 

A blunder through it

 

Where to be, who to be

 

 

So much to choose from

 

But is it you?


An invention of self

 

To Fit In

 

Or brave it alone

 

A place of your own

 

If it exists.

 

 

 

To love

 

To long (so much longing)

 

To be on the outside

 

Not wanting to be in

 

But hurting because you’re not.

 

 

 

A merging with another

 

Because the inner calling is louder

 

Than the appeal

 

Of the recipient.

 

Placing all your hopes in one basket

 

A surrender to impulse

 

A heart is hurting

 

If not yours,

 

Soon will be.

 

 

 

The Exultation of Bodies and the senses sublime

 

The study, the experimentation

 

The acquisition of knowledge

 

The frustration of finances

 

Merged into the workforce

 

To yield and to harvest

 

An ideal foreign

 

Contrary to yours

 

Already moulded by upbringing.

 

 

The conditioning of Country

 

A culture ingrained

 

A wedding, a death

 

A family departed

 

The finality of it

 

A blind eye is easier.

 

 

 

And then there are Dreams

 

The devastation of Rejection

 

There’s somebody else with more

 

And you want more

 

And what you Need

 

And what you desire

 

Are two different states.

 

 

 

 

The Conflict within your soul

 

Never lets you forget what you are

 

Even if you are still learning

 

Exactly who…

 

 

 

The years fall away

 

And love may find you

 

And it may not

 

And the world is deviating

 

Though you know it’s really the same

 

And your perspective shifts again

 

Only if you knew then

 

What you know now

 

And the responsibility of that

 

And all the rest.

 

 

 

The solace in forgiving

 

The enchantment in wisdom

 

The more you acquire

 

The less time there is to utilise it.

 

And before you are ready to accept it

 

To pass on what you know,

 

Your turn has come

 

Even if no one is listening.

 

 

 

There is a will

 

A catastrophic urge

 

To leave a part of yourself behind

 

To have it

 

Not been for nothing

 

Because you know that you’re dying a little every day

 

And soon there will be no more time

 

And you’ll wish for more

 

Or maybe you won’t

 

But yet, still, you must accept      

 

With no small level of apprehension

 

That your story cannot be changed

 

That it has all come to this…

 

 

 

 

 

(to come Parts iii and iv)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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